heavy stuff........

lately, i've been reading all these blogs with really heavy stuff; contemplating the meaning of life, asking questions like "why, why do bad things happen?", planning/thinking about our own funerals, and then hearing stories like the tragedy that happened last night in Steven Curtis Chapman's family. (if you don't know what i'm talking about click here).

when i read stuff like this i start to kind of freak out. is it weird that i think "it's coming, my turn is next, when is the bad thing that's just lurking around the corner waiting to happen to my family?"
when scott had his accident last august i almost, in a weird sort of way, wasn't surprised. i've always felt like something bad was going to happen (not to sound too morbid or anything). i'll never, ever, ever forget that day, that moment when my phone rang and the voice on the other line sounded really scared and she said to me "erica, i'm almost to your front door, i'm coming to pick you up, you need to come to the hospital with me, scott' s been in a bad accident". i was like,
"ok" and i just hung up and started walking around the house, probably in circles, sort of in a state of shock, my mind racing. my first thought was "ok, he's either not going to be alive by the time we get there or he's going to be paralyzed, and honestly, he'd rather be dead". if you would have asked me prior to his accident what i would do if someone called me with such news, i would have said "i'd totally freak out, scream, run around like a crazy woman". but, that's not what i did at all, i thought very clearly, almost too clearly. in a matter of minutes i had already run through every single possible scenario; how i'd bathe him and take care of him for the rest of his life to what i'd do without him and how we'd possibly ever move on. drew had just woken up from a nap and i was 5 weeks away from my due date with reed. i called my mom and said "i have no idea what happened, i have no details but i'm waiting for someone to come pick me up, scott's been in an accident." then i called my sister and said "i need you to come here now and stay with drew, i have to go to the hospital." on the ride down to the hospital i was totally calm, i really hadn't even broken down yet. i just sat there and thought through what was awaiting me at the hospital. once i arrived at the ER the first person to greet me was this woman. she walked up to me and said "hi, i'm the social worker here at the hospital, and this (as she pointed to another woman) is the chaplain here at the hospital. GREAT, what the hell? I thought to myself, "he's dead". Then, it felt like two seconds later an ER dr. walked up to me and said "are you scott's wife?", i prepared myself (whatever that means) for the worst. he looked at me and said "i don't know how or why but scott's going to live. we've done our initial body scan to assess the injuries and there is no internal bleeding, no brain/head trauma, and no spinal injuries". he said he had to get back to scott but that he'd come get me in a few minutes when i was able to see him. a few minutes later they came to get me and took me back to scott. i'll never forget that moment either. they opened the door to the room and i walked (waddled) through. scott was laying there on a stretcher, head strapped down, covered head to toe in blood. his arm was about three times it's normal size, his face was completely crushed in, there was gravel and asphalt embedded into his face, i could see where his cheekbone was broken in half, eye swollen shut, and his leg had an open gash a few inches deep and blood was dripping from his body all over the floor. and you know what happened next? scott lifted his head as much as he could and said "hey babe" and smiled at me. ahhh, the rest of the story will go down in history as the scariest, craziest time where we really saw God working. people told stories of what happened that day and doctors told us that there "must have been angels holding up a couple tons of cement" that afternoon because they couldn't explain why scott was even with us let alone as "okay" as he was. as i write this right now i'm realizing how i really haven't thought or talked about the accident very much at all. the entire week that we were in the hospital is a total haze. i was so pregnant and honestly i think i was just going through the motions. a pastor friend of ours later told me that he could tell i was not processing, not dealing. he said that he was sure that i almost didn't realize or know where i was because i had no emotion and was just sort of "blank". i think that's how i was for sure at least that first night. i didn't break down till late that night when they finally got him a room on the neuro-trauma floor, once everybody had left and it was just me, sitting there next to his bed listening to the machines beep and watching him in pain, pushing his morphine button over, and over. the nurse had just left after saying to me "make sure that you don't hit that morphine button for him. he needs to hit it by himself, if he gets too drugged up on morhpine he could very possibly die tonight in his sleep. this first night is crucial." after she walked out i just lost it, i was sad and scared, but heck, i was mad. i yelled at scott. i said to him "why would you do this to me? i hate your job, you're quitting." and even at that moment, all doped up on drugs,( he knows me way too well) scott laughed and said "erica, i knew you were going to say that, i'm not quitting my job, i love it, i'm just so glad that it's me in this bed and not anybody else." that's my hubby for ya, anybody who really knows scott won't be surprised by that statement! ;)

okay, so now that i've gotten completely off track ( i wasn't going to write about any of this, and honestly, there's SO much more i could say about the accident) i will just say, life is scary sometimes. when i called scott this morning to ask him if he'd heard about steven curtis chapman's family he said he had, early this morning on the news before he left for work. then he asked me if i'd heard about the crane operator who died last week in an accident? SCOTT, SERIOUSLY, what's your problem DO NOT say that to me when you're headed to work this morning to set up a crane just like the one who killed this young man last week. so, of course, i googled the accident. a young, 27 year old guy with 2 little kids was operating a crane last week in Adair ( a town nearby) and the crane toppled over (just like it did in scott's accident) and the man was crushed and killed. seriously, that should have been my story. i can't even comprehend how i would have even begun to pick up the pieces. i don't think i could live on this earth without him.
i would never describe myself as a worrier, or someone who has anxiety but since scott's accident i am a changed woman. i think about things that would have never crossed my mind before. so, the question is.......how do i go finish this load of laundry i've started and dust and vacuum my house when my mind is wondering.........."when's it coming, something bad is surely going to happen, it's our turn." i know, i know, i know....have faith, trust in God, i know that, but? easier said than done sometimes.

but then, you pack your two (awesome) kids into the car and head into town to run some errands and on the way there your two year old is in the back seat playing air guitar and belting out at the top of his lungs the words to "Holy Is The Lord", and when it gets to the verse that says "we stand and lift up our hands" he raises his hands to the sky.......and all is well with the world.